i wish sometimes that people would listen to how i feel in my situation and not try to force their own personal agenda on me.

i mean really, it's my problem. you can't say how you would handle it because nothing like this has EVER happened to you.

i'm handling it pretty freaking well. i didn't go off the deep end, i still love everyone involved, and i guarantee you i am more forgiving than most.

so although it might sound selfish and bitter, i just WISH that people would stop trying to tell me "how it is" and just be there for me.

it's been months since i found out. MONTHS. and it will probably take years to get through this normally..

maybe when i reach the one year marker i'll be able to better pretend like this is all okay. but i doubt it.. it's still not okay and i'm just glad i got OC at the same time to kind of balance out the heaven with the hell. 

:(

One of the things that makes me the saddest, is when someone I know says something about not believing in God. First of all, I know it makes God sad because one of His children is choosing to ignore Him. And second, I just feel so bad that they could have what I have, but they don't want it.  How do they manage living without Him? How do they stop that hurt that's deep inside of them?.. It's like living your life with no hope and I just hate that they have to go through that. Not that they know what they're missing.. but still. My heart goes out to them and I pray for them. Especially because I know I could've been a better example to all of them instead of giving in to my own selfishness and wallowing in failure.. 


I'm more myself now than I have been in a long time.  And I'm happy for me, I just regret some of the decisions I made and not being stronger. But mostly for the other people I was around, and not me. If that makes sense..

wow wow wow

i didn't do anything to deserve the great outcome that i think i might have right now.

but it's like everything all of a sudden changed and became possible again.
and i can't believe it.
and i can't wait to do it.
and i'm just so excited about life.

finally.

Every time I think my life couldn't get any weirder than this... it seems to happen. Sheesh. I'm just not gonna be shocked by anything ever again.

My mom is actually an alien creature that goes underground at night to hibernate in the dirt and feed off of earthworms?

I'd believe it.

i'd really like to go a day without crying and knowing i'm worthless.

No one on this entire planet knows how terrible I feel right now and I just want it to stop.

Note to self. Don't lie to your children. Don't hide things. And don't let them hurt alone.

I feel like my eyes have been opened from last weekend through this weekend.. I hope I can get on the right track for once in my life.

It's gonna be SO hard. But I need to stop being nonchalant and find answers for myself.