Does every 21 year old have this many issues with making up her mind? It's like everything comes at you at once and you just get so confused you end up falling on your face in front of everyone. So then you try and hide what's going on, try to make yourself seem cooler, like you know what you're doing.. All the while you actually are trying to become more confident, but you can't because you just don't know where you're going, or what your goals are or who you want to be.. It's just tough man..
But if you just throw yourself out there, completely, 100%, even your mistakes, then it's like no one has any ammo against you.. You know? Like if you're just like "Yeah, I've gone through like 90 guys this year because I can't make up my mind, and honestly it feels good to have that little ego boost.." or "I honestly don't know what I want to do.. Is that so bad? To just float around for a while? Until I know for sure what direction I wanna go in?" or "I've drank myself into oblivion many many maaaany nights over the past couple months because it makes things easier, and it gives you an excuse to do all the stupid things you THINK will make you feel better, but in the long run, it just tears at you layer by layer until you feel like there's nothing left of real substance to you... and you feel like a fake..."; then no one can say "Well Abby, you do this, or that... You're a terrible person .. You need to change" blah blah blah..
None of the mistakes you've made discredit you as a person. Your history is not your destiny.. And while you might be in a stage in your life that you're just idle, it's not like anything in life is permanent.. Everything is about to change for me, yet again.. And that's a perfect excuse to rebuild myself as a person..
I haven't been happy with who I've become, and the things I've started to lean on.. And that can change simply because I decide to. But that also doesn't mean everything is going to be perfect, or that all my bad habits are immediately going to evaporate. My day to day mistakes are still going to be here, but the insecurity doesn't have to be. Starting here and now, I'm not afraid to admit to every single person I KNOW is going to ask me, and drill me to death back home, that I have no exact picture perfect plan right now. And I won't be afraid to be random and spontaneous and say what I feel anymore. The reason I left Claremore in the first place was because I couldn't break through my shell. Now, I feel like for my future, it's better I go back there and save some money which was always the logical choice.. but now I've had my fun, and I know I at least know the first step to take to getting my life on the track I want it on. But just because I'm going back there doesn't mean I'm getting stuck there.. Or stuck being the person I used to be there.
Protecting myself doesn't mean shutting myself off completely.. Looking back on things, I've been paranoid and secretive and none of that really gets you anywhere except alone. Dunno why I'm always so afraid to open up, but I'm really reeeeally reeeeeealllllly gonna try and get past that. I just have to force myself to, or I'll be missing out forever.
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